In addition to being bipolar, I am also diagnosed with a Non-Verbal Learning Disability. Apparently there are multiple types of them, I don’t know which one I have. I used to think that NVLD was on the low end of the autistic spectrum below Aspergers, but I later found out that is not on the spectrum. NVLD can manifest like mild Aspergers, so schools often treat them the same way, even though they are not technically related. So I was often lumped in with the Asperger kids, which was an interesting experience.

The defining characteristic of these disorders is struggling with finer social skills, like picking up on non-verbal social cues. People often use facial expressions to manage conversations, like looking bored to indicate they don’t care or having a fixed expression because they are just humouring the person talking. Other people express disagreement by slightly tightening their lips and squinting, like they ate something sour. Go read just about any website about NVLD and you’ll read that people with NVLD often miss social cues, or don’t read the situation right and behave in socially inappropriate ways. NVLDers also tend to be literal people, where they take words at face value without factoring in the tone of voice or the intent behind the words.

To an extent these descriptions are true, but I feel like that description fits the outward appearance of NVLD and does not fully explain what is going on in the mind. There have been many, many times in my life that I have picked up on non-verbal social cues and understood what they meant. But I did not respond to them, or I didn’t care enough about them to acknowledge them. That creates the image of me not getting them, but there is a very big difference. I can choose to not respond to the cues for my own reasons.

There are several reasons why I don’t always respond to non-verbal or tone-of-voice cues.

• Certain parts of my brain are working slowly that day.  My brain has to work twice as hard, because I need to use one part of my brain to think about their words, a separate part to figure out the cues, and a third part to formulate my response in clear English that responds to the entirety of their communication. If I take five seconds to respond, that can really throw off a conversation, especially with impatient people who can’t wait five seconds, with people who take advantage of silence.
• I need a verbal response. This particularly matters in the workplace, where I need clear directions from my manager so if someone else asks me what I am doing I can verbally quote my manager. It also matters when making agreements. In the rare case where a matter may end up resulting in a call to the police or in legal action it also really matters because it is much easier to quote words in court than to re-enact a facial expression. So I may be picking up on every cue, but I need to help the person put their thoughts into words for my sake and for their own sake. This can be hard with defensive, proud, or emotionally sensitive people who feel upset when I don’t immediately “get” what they mean. Tough luck, words matter.
• I don’t care. Maybe someone is trying to mess with me because they are upset with me or are trying to take me down a notch, but I don’t care enough about what they think to waste my brainpower on coming up with a response.
• Protection. A typical tactic of abusive or manipulative people is to use a lot of non-verbal cues and different tones of voice to communicate their real thoughts while using words that sound innocuous. By responding only to their words I do not get dragged into their web, and that gives me the ability to get out of the conversation without them inflicting any damage. This particularly matters with people who like to misquote their victims.
• I don’t feel like expending the energy. Figuring out how to respond to multiple types of cues that often present conflicting intents is mentally hard. If I am tired, in a depressed state, or focussed on something more important, I am not going to waste my brainial energy on coming up with an appropriate, cue-informed response. God loves every person and each human being has an equal, inherent value, but that does not mean that every single word that comes out of someone’s mouth has an equal value, so sometimes I preserve my energy by not responding to low-value words.
• I’m nervous and socially awkward. A lot of these situations I discussed are in charged situations, but it can happen in nice, safe, and friendly conversations as well. This particularly happens around very nice people or with good looking people. A warm smile or a genuine laugh or a real compliment can really throw me off because my brain is not skilled at responding to positive emotion. It can be a pain sometimes and gets in the way of forming strong, beneficial relationships with good people. On the bright side, a lot of people can see past social awkwardness to the person inside.

The brutal part of being NVLD is that the ability to respond is tied to overall brain function. I am bipolar, and I usually spend November to February in a depressed state, which involves low energy and slower brain function. I also tend to have a lesser slump in the early summer, but it’s not as bad. During my depressed state I can get locked in my brain, where I understand what people say and pick up on their cues, but I simply don’t have the brainpower to respond to both of them, or even to one of them. This is particularly problematic in fast-moving conversations, like a class discussion or a heated argument. I might understand everything but respond to nothing.

I should point out that over time I have gotten better at responding. As a kid I often told people what I thought they needed to hear based on which cues I chose to interpret, but that does not work well as an adult. From around the age of 18 or so I have been on the watch for people who are skilled in social communication and I’ll pay attention to how they response. Over time I have gotten more and more used to responding like an ordinary human when I can. It is possible. You could call me fake or superficial for imitating how others respond, but I see it as neatly packaging my genuine thoughts in more digestible form.