In my previous post I wrote about the effect that long-haul covid had on my mind. As of right now, I feel about 80% or 90% cured from LHC. I still have less energy than before, and there are times that parts of my brain selectively turn off for a few seconds, but I am functional. I credit most of this to the vaccine. Within days of receiving my first vaccine I felt my covid brain fog lifting, and within a week I was wondering if I could declare myself cured. I have accepted that I might never be back to normal, covid may permanently reduce my capabilities. But still, I am way better off now than I was during my long-haul covid crisis.
Here is how my major mental symptoms have been alleviated. As far as I can tell, other than low energy and minor vascular issues like enlarged veins my physical symptoms are gone, so I won’t really discuss physical symptoms here.
Social anxiety: covid wrecked my already fragile brain’s ability to handle stressful situations. Many, many times my mind would go blank any time I ended up talking to someone I didn’t know, in a situation where I had to think on my feet, or when I had to think things through while also engaging in a discussion. At time all my brain’s defensive systems would go off, and I’d start to slip into a near-paranoid state where I’d disconnect from the world.
Just think of how common those situations are. A while ago I absentmindedly walked off with someone else’s cart at the grocery store, and when they said “excuse me sir, I think you have my cart” I stood there with no idea what to say, even though I fully understood the situation. Or in work meetings I would write out what I had to say, and if my boss asked me an unexpected question I would often struggle to answer it. Now my brain seems able to generate answers on the spot. Even if I ask for a moment to think, I can think quietly in my own brain without alarm bells ringing. If I go into a public place like church I am not having to try to avoid conversations.
Multi-step processing: if you wonder what this is, imagine something that you think of as one motion but is actually multiple, smaller motions all combined. Think of all the different movements involved in getting out of bed. I knew a person who forgot how to get out of bed temporarily from severe depression, his brain just couldn’t handle all the steps. Jordan Peterson has also spoken about having to re-learn getting out of bed. For me, at the worst of covid brain fog I struggled with anything that was more than two or three steps. That is not good when I work as a data analyst, most of the things I do in my job involve multiple steps. The most complex calculations I do take up to twenty steps. I was struggling to the point where I was thinking of seeking out disability leave. I eventually realized, after some trial and error, that I could first write down the steps I needed to take, and then work through them step-by-step, so if I blank out I just look at my second screen and remember where I am.
Now I am able to do complex, multi-step calculations again. I still do sometimes write stuff down for convenience or to make it easier to document what I did, but it is not necessary for performing my job. There are times I still struggle with little things, but they do not get in the way of me living my life. I made a mess in the fridge one morning because my pre-coffee brain could not figure out how to move a plate of leftovers out of the way, and I dumped food all over the fridge while getting the eggs out. A normal mind might have realized that I could just put the place of food on the counter while removing the eggs. But my messed up mind decided to rotate/pull the eggs out from under the plate and that obviously didn’t work.
I googled this issue because I was unsure of what it is called. I refer to it as multi-step processing, several websites call it processing multi-step tasks. I found this WebMD article which explains how easily that ability is damaged.
Energy: I suspect I am back to about 90% energy. Even six months after I got my negative covid test I was having several-hour naps during the day, that is totally gone. Right now I feel like my winter slump is coming on early, but I have enough energy to get almost everything done. I haven’t vacuumed in a while, but that’s fine. Not vacuuming is not even close to the same as being afraid of ending up homeless because I can’t work.
Traumatic memories: this is one area where I’m not sure I can say I am close to healed, nor can I definitely blame this issue on covid. Before I had covid it was easier to push those memories out of the way and try to live a normal life. They’d come up again when I was alone, but I could be mostly functional during the workday. They’d come up at lunch sometimes, I feel like any alone time is a trigger for a flood of painful memories and paranoia. So I had been living alone and working from home for weeks before having covid during a stressful time. But I feel like covid broke down a berm that held back the worst of the memories, to the point where they overwhelmed me at times. And I don’t think that getting the vaccine has made it easier to deal with them. Every weekend I think that this will be the week I start up therapy again, and every weekday I come up with excuses to not call. Maybe I’ll call tomorrow. I finally found a good therapist who specializes in helping men who have been abused, most therapists struggle with that demographic.
Words: there are still times that I struggle to find words for what I am thinking. But my inner voice is back. When I was in the worst of the covid brain fog I could barely even know what I was thinking. Now I’m just temporarily disconnected from the external world. And I’ll be honest, I’m fine with that. I don’t need to always be able to speak, I’m fine being alone occasionally. Today I was helping a student and trying to explain how to alter a supply and demand graph. I was struggling to put all the words together to explain the relationships between supply, demand, quantity and price, but then I got out Microsoft Paint and visually explained it all. If I had been in deep covid brain fog I may have looked at that familiar diagram and not had any idea how to even describe it to myself.
My second vaccine is a rather annoying speed bump in this story. I felt so good after my first vaccine I thought that I might be fully healed/cured/fixed. Within a week my brain was back, it happened so quickly I could barely believe it. And then my second vaccine knocked me out for about four weeks, it was like having covid again. I even had the fake heart attack at week 3. I think it took a month or two for my energy to come back after the second vaccine. At one point I wondered if I would have been better off not getting the second vaccine, I worried it had reversed any improvements I had. Fortunately, I have recovered from that relapse, and I am feeling decent. I suspect my winter slump is coming on early, but that is to be expected. I’m still bipolar, even if the long-haul covid is slowly becoming part of my past.
The Bipolar Christian 
Thank you for this well written, detailed post. I have not had to go through the trial you have, but it is good information. I also relate to the “winter slump” Prayers that our God will bring much good and many blessings out of this down time. – Sande
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Turns out I have to approve these manually, just that out. So approved! just 1.5 years late.
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